Jellylegged Fool

Hullo dear reader,

So I've taken the plunge of having my legs waxed at a local beauty place in Shrewsbury. They asked how much of the leg... thing is, if I went for a half leg it'd look like I'm wearing hairy shorts. They didn't have a quote for the whole leg, they only go up to 3/4 length - I'm hoping that since I'm a short arse, this will be about right.

I have very hairy feet, like a Hobbit.. I have a sneaking suspition that I'm going to freak the nice people in beauty care out.

I'm hoping that it'll be a little quicker than the epilator I have at home. This is a small torture device which requires one to very slowly pluck out each hair in the best way to achieve pain. It takes me about 3 hours, after having spent 1.5 hours on just one leg in agony it's quite dispiriting looking at the other furry leg and thinking I've got all that to do too. The main benefit is that at the end I've enough hair to stuff 14 pillows and a duvet.

What of world events?

It seems that after the last US election, George W has been left with less power than the electrical grid in the Isle of Man. Got to be a good thing if you ask me, it least it might provide some damage limitation when a thought pops into Georges head about invading another country (country decided by sticking a pin in a globe with his eyes closed).

I feel sorry for Tony Blair, who's going to tell him what to do now? He seems to be wondering around like an abandoned dog, whining and searching for a new crotch to sniff.

Sadly my bestest friend Phil has left the company I work for, and things have dulled down to a drudgery of daily routine. There was an upside last week of having flu and hence a week off, which mean't I could watch StarTrek all day. Horray for timely desease!

I ordered and recieved a pair of tits from eBay the other week. It's a bizarre thing to buy, especially as we weren't in when the postman delivered them and so the chap next door tolk the delivery for me. It's a weird thing having a 75 year old man give you a pair of tits.

I bought them because they help some dresses and tops both look right and stay up. They're silicone things which are jolly cold to start with but warm up after a little while (good advice is not to warm them on the radiator, they tend to melt into a pair of silicone pigs ears).

Anyhoo, my jorney for today is over. Please leave any unwanted mail on the doorstep.

Lots of love

Will

In this country during the 20th Century women finally started nearing equal status to men. Women gained confidence and began to enter the workplace, sit in parliament and have more control over their own futures than ever before. There are drawbacks such as Ann Robinson, but hey, you can’t have it all.

Sometime halfway through the last century women started wearing trousers too, what a bizarre sight that must’ve been when it first started happening! To the eyes of a public who’d never seen this before it must’ve looked ridiculous, like a poor imitation of a woman trying to be a man, rather like the stoning scene in Monty Python’s “Life of Brian”. What were these early women like? Were they transvestites? Perhaps they wanted to imitate men to assume that role of power men had at the time?

This movement towards the traditional masculine ground continued in many other areas of the female psyche. Women today are often tough, ambitious, unemotional, suit wearing and a hundred other traits traditionally within the masculine role in order to fit into the man’s world. That’s not to say that women didn’t have these traits before (naturally they did) but the masculine role is what women strive for to achieve. Why is this? Do we as a society still view men as naturally better that women have to imitate to achieve?

For example; a girl wearing a skirt with a feminine top, with her hair open, plenty of makeup. That creates an image in your head about what kind of job she does and how senior she is within the company. Now the same girl wearing a trouser suit and no makeup will give a completely different impression. The difference is that the second outfit is geared towards making her more masculine to fit into the man’s world.

So are we as a society regarding traditionally female traits, attitudes and clothes as less positive in comparison to men’s? In some situations yes and in some we respect the female characteristics all the more. But I think we really understand the attitude to feminine culture when we imagine the same example as above but with a man. How ridiculous does he look in the skirt and top? It’s laughable, and indeed many jokes are based around this. The humour exists for many reasons; it’s unusual, he ill fits the clothes and he’s debasing himself. He’s deliberately put himself into the weaker female role, there are plenty of words for this such as: pathetic, sissy, poof. Interestingly much of the stigma of being gay comes from the female attributes associated with it along with the fear of the act of homosexual sex.

British men today are terrified of letting people think of them as camp or feminine in any way, peer pressure keeps men constantly reassuring themselves of their masculinity for fear of anyone thinking them gay or feminine. Men use football particularly as a way of reassuring them as masculine, also allowing them a brief opportunity of showing affection for their friends without the implication of homosexuality. The irony in all of this is that we have the saying “be your own man” when society tells us to be just like all the other men.

We’ve become a male focused society. When will that first man wear a dress as that first woman wore trousers?

Politics:

Something which has been pissing me off for a long while is the following:

1) Firstly the US managed to get themselves disliked by the middle east and others (for reasons of supporting Israel, foreign policy and whatnot).
2) Then terrorists strike at the US on 9/11 (a dreadful thing - I don't argue otherwise)
3) The US decide to invade Afghanistan. That's up to them, they felt that they were at war. This caused lots more resentment against from the same people as point 1).
4) The UK decided to invade with them. This is where I begin to get pissed off. What was it to do with us? It's purely an American issue. Now the resentment rolls onto the UK too.
5) The US (for reasons of it's own) decide to invade Iraq. Again, a bit suprising and raises more resentment against the US.
6) The UK also decide to invade Iraq. WFT?!?? Why are we invading too? This closes our relationship with the US and the middle eastern resentment against the UK. Why did the UK do this?
7) The UK begin curbing civil liberties stating that terrorists are a threat to us
8) The UK get attacked by terrorists.
9) The UK have new gusto in curbing civil liberties.

It seems to me that the UK government have created a threat to us and then bring in draconian measures to limit our liberties! This is appauling! It seems that our civil liberties are dependant on the actions of the US?!?

Where's that valium when you need it?

Religion:

Sorry to harp on a bit, but on the radio this morning yet again was the article about idiots demanding teachers teach "intelligent design" in Biology along side (or even instead of) evolution theory. Surely we're above the idea of fairys?

The idea behind intelligent design is that God made everything because it's far too clever to be anything else. If you'd seen a computer for the first time, you might think the same thing until you understood the principles behind it.

Also with intelligent design, it needn't be God who created everything, why not pixies? or gnomes? or aliens?

Simply because something is clever doesn't mean it must be supernatural. If you showed a caveman (or possibly tatooed fuckwit) something magnetic they may well thing it supernatural.

It's all a question of balance. The idea about science is that you suggest something and then try to either prove or disprove it. There's plenty of evidence supporting Darwin, but surprisingly little to support God.

Anyway, I'm ranted out, thankyou for bearing with me at this difficult time. I'd like also to thank the produced and director.

Love and snuggles

Will
xx

Well, I've managed to finally get my waist fractionally slimmer. I've lost about 2 inches to far, my man boobs are starting to look a little less like actually requiring a bra rather than simply wearing one from taste.

Speaking of which, I bought a new top from New Look (I'm right posh me) and was shocked to find that it actually suits me! Lordy lordy! Usually I buy outfits which look frankly shocking on me, but simply like them. These include things like very girly skirts and dresses, which I really love, but to tend to look like something from a Monty Python sketch. This top however actually suits me, in a slightly rackish, piratey kind of way (sans parrot). So I went back and bought another two. It's a sad day when one blows all their wages in New Look, but there you have it. Actually, the look I'd really like is along the lines of Adam Ant.. perhaps not quite so Adam Anty, but along those lines. Dandy highwayman type thing. Once the waist pulls in a little I may be able to achieve this seemingly impossible task. Dandy highway men aren't generally big fat wobbly, baldy men who wheeze after 18th century hourse drawn coaches. That's just not the right image at all

Still doing the Judo, although we've changed the night to Thursday as their are more juniors on Thursdays. Both of us are a little tired of having less chance of throwing someone than a mouse has of beating a rhino at sumo. Or suduku for that matter. Although mice may well be good at suduku, I've never challenged one. I maybe maligning the honest little mouse in his or her suduku abilities, for that I appologise.

No job on the scene yet. Each day I go on the internet and submit my CV to all and sundry (IT agencies mostly - although a career as a prostitude is beginning to show appeal), recieve an email saying something along the lines of "Thankyou very much Mr.Read, we'll be right on the case! You'll have a new job by lunchtime or my name's not 'Lyingbastard Joe'". This then involves a length wait, then my phoning them a week later and them not having the faintest idea who the fuck I am. I then explain and they ask for my CV, which I presume gets automatically deleted on recieving. Bloody agencies.

Well, I can't stay here chatting all day, so I bid you farewell and kindly request your money or your wife. The exchange rate (I've been informed) for wives is very favourable at present having gone up against the totsie by 3.5.

Love and kisses

Will

PS - If I get the chance I shall upload a picture of my new top, being sported by my gentile frame.

Still job hunting.
Still attempting to lose weight.
Still coming off the beer.

A few drinks over the weekend, but not very much.

Friday was an aerobics class. I was the only guy, and noticed I'd mistakenly worn my 'Sexy man' t-shirt. The class started with taking steps forwards and clapping, it was camper than Julien Clarys' handbag.

I've done aerobics once before, when I lost a bet. The idea was that if I lost I'd have to wear my friend Hanne's gym kit and do aerobics. To be honest, I'd have asked for the same thing if I'd won. I lost. I was still finding bits of spandex from that g-string leotard weeks later.

Ahhh.. University.. those were the days. Going into an exam with a half pint of beer (true), dying my hair blue (true - although not so easy these days, depending on which hair), missing all lectures and scraping through to the next year by a combination of luck and last night revision (true) and having sex with many girls one after the other (tragically untrue).

Where did all the good hair go? My feet are like a hobbits, by arse is like a badger (in a non snuffling around sense).. even my nose wants in on the act. Fortunately my nose is close enough to my head to give me quite a passable comb-over. It's a little messy when I sneaze, but worth the effort I feel.

One of the benefits of being TV is having an excuse to occassionally wear a wig. Ahhh.. it's bliss seeing lots of hair again, even if it does go squew-wiff with a good jerk (such as may be achieved by missing a few steps in heals). I'm not actually that bothered by the hair loss, I don't wake up screaming in horror in the middle of the night at the hair loss like I do when I dream I'm meeting Jim Davidson.

Well, that's enough from me. I get my belly measured tonight, I shall let you know the results.

In the mean time, love you, miss you, ciao!

Ahhh.. that time of the week again!

Nothing happening at work, so I thought I'd drop you another little note dear reader.

I've not had the flutters for the lovely vampire for a whole day, so I guess I've exersized that particular crush. My fantasies will have to find a new subject of adoration from now on. Perhaps back to the old faithful Kylie.

I don't know about you, but my poor fantasies only have a short life-span before bordem sets it. They do however get stored in the vaults and recycled when new material is short at hand.

I have two kinds of fantasies, the kind which is best kept to myself in order that you don't hide behind sofas and the kind in which I can do magic. Obviously the magic one is non-sexual. Although strangely some of the sexual ones are pretty magic.

I have to admit that the child inside me (or actually in control of me) wants to be able to do magic, how cool (and not a little geeky) would that be? I think it's the saving people from bad things which I'd like. I always used to love Superman as a child, and thinking about it, the wearing of different clothes under others I already have in common (Well, that and accidentally wearing my underpants on the outside occasionally). Although I'm not sure how much people would want to be rescued by TransvestiteMan, tiny frilly g-string outside the trousers riding up my arse. Also I'm pretty sure the police would have something to say if they saw me naked, struggling into stockings in a phone box. They have no sense of heroism.

It's that bloody CD I've been listening to has made me think about magic again!

So tell me, dear reader, what magic power would you want to have?

Do tell me do!

Love and kisses

Will
SWALK

Still no alcohol. (2 days in counting)
Still no new job.
Still trying to lose the belly.

I weighed myself last night and I'm down to 11 1/2 stone, not a huge achievement since I was 11 3/4.. but still enough to make me chuffed. With the added bonus of waking up sans hangover.

I'll climb back into that little black dress yet! Perhaps with the use of scissors, but I'll get there.

I hear on the radio that the Mohammed cartoons have stretched from Denmark to France. I have three feelings about this;

Firstly the newspapers could be gratious enough to give a bit of slack to some already streatched relations.
Secondly free speach and all that.
Thirdly the idiot Muslims who reacted by threatening to blow up the Newspaper company might have seen the ironey after the cartoon they're reacting to depicts Mohammed wearing a hat shaped like a bomb. Thereby playing straight into the stereotype! Surely Islam is big enough and comfortable enough in itself to take a bit of ribbing? Are these people so unsure that Islam is great that they have to threaten people into not taking the mickey out of them?

I can't see the 'Pantie Idealists' making the same mistake.

Well, I can't stand around here chatting, people to do, things to see.. you know how it is.

Will
xxx

Yep, this is it, I've given up the booze. So far it's been one evening in counting, impressive eh? I'm trying for two, but one step at a time eh?

This is a vain hope that somehow this will help to the ridding myself of my beer gut. I reckon I've got enough beer in there to last me for a while, but just in case my blood alcohol content of 50% proof should get me through the day.

I was kind of hoping that the extra alcohol content of my blood might attract Selene from Underworld (the lovely Kate), but since she hasn't turned up for weeks now (ever since I gave her alcohol poisoning) I think cutting down is the best option. Anyway, I kept getting Dracula stuffing me in a brown paper bag and dragging me around park benches. Decrepit old has-been.

Being a vampire doesn't sound like such a bad thing, they're always attractive, live forever and can turn into small flying animals. I have a sneaking suspicion that if I ever did become a vampire fate would play one of those tricks it seems to be keen on and the animal I'd turn into would be a beaver. An evil beaver, mind you. Possibly armed with a tiny rifle (or trifle as I like to call it).

We didn't get our yellow belts; the guy who organises the classes unfortunately didn't bring in the forms. So I settled with getting the crap beaten out of me by a bunch of girls. I naturally preserve my ego by pretending that I let them win; "goodness me! Good throw young lady", "you're learning quickly my dear" I say magnanimously. They seem to take these words of encouragement to mean, "you're a big fanny" and "break my legs".
I also fought a pair of 17-year-old lads, not at the same time obviously, I like to give them a chance. Age counts for nothing in the arena it seems, there’s just no respect in the youth of today. They also floored me with amazing speed and agility. I’ll have my revenge though, next week I’ll wear platform shoes with lead heals, see if you can throw me NOW you buggers!

I’ve bought a new audio book, the first in the series of ‘Black Magician’ books by Trudi Canavan. Very good series of books, highly recommend them. I love fantasy novels, and this series is the best one I’ve read. I’ve always loved having stories read to me since I was a kid and my father used to read to me, he’s very good at it. I still wake up to Radio 4 every morning after going to sleep with some play or spoken word.

That's all folks!

...and hey, lets be careful out there

Will

Politics:
So I hear that Hamas have won a large majority in Palestine. Despite this being probably a bad thing (although I hope not), I did find it quite fun to hear the American reaction "Everyone should have democracy, as long as you vote in the right people". Terrorists should follow the lingerie trend set by the Basque Seperatists. 'Pantie Idealists', for example. Or 'The Taffetta Brigade'.

Jobs:
I still haven't found a new job, I watched a bit of a programme about fasion people competing to create the best outfit, I'm pretty sure I could learn that. All it seems you need to do is camp it up a bit and sew in the dark (as those people seem to have done).

We went to town at the weekend and found a shop which had fabulously beautiful corsets and skirts, all costing the same amount as my car. I decided not to try any on, it wasn't so much the embarresed pause I expect to receive from suggesting this to the shop keeper but more that I feared none would fit my spherical figure (all were in size 10 and I'm sadly a 16). This would add to the hilarity of the spectical of me in drag and I feared might attract a gathering of shoppers who'd either make a mess on the pavement wetting themselves or begin to stone me (not in a fun way).

Judo:
Possibly tonight we earn our yellow belts. I shall let you know, dear reader, how we get on. I very much hope Amiya (my girlfriend) doesn't get her belt and I remain a junior Yellow. Call it competetive if you like, but someone's got to wear the trousers. Neither of us perhaps, but I'm sure someone does.

I've learned that:
Matte = Stop
Hajimi = Go
Latte = Coffee
Paté = Wrong

Toilets:
Sorry to lower the tone, but I wanted to share a little something with you. No no.. panic ye not, it's nothing filthy. Well, only a little bit.
The other day I popped into the loo and heard from the next cubical some guys mobile phone ring, to my consternation he answered it!
I therefore felt it my civic duty to parp loudly and clearly. This did nothing to deter him, so I continued to wee right in the middle of the loo making loud splishy splashy noises. Nope, he carried on as if he frequently farts down the phone at people (which perhaps he does). Finally even the flushing of my loo did nothing to stop this guy and so I gave up.

Anyhoo my lovelies, I really must dash. The internet isn't gonna surf itself you know!

Thanks for listening

Will
xxx

We (me and my girlfriend) went to see Underworld: Evolution last night.

I very rarely have a fascination for movie stars, but Kate Bekinsale in that movie stole my heart, or more acurately, my loins.

Not only that, but I've also found the smileys! All this excitment is all too much for me, I'm going to have to go home and have a good long shower